The Ghosts We Leave

Cold.

I shiver, my face smushed against the basement floor.

My sweater is in my room, the green and red one that Papa gave me.

I am only wearing a PJ dress, the one with silver stars that Mama likes.

They stand over me, one kicks my shoulder when a I reach for Annie, my new doll.

I just got her today for Christmas.

Something wraps around my neck,

my eyes go fuzzy, I can’t breathe,

a rough hand tears open my dress.

Mama and Papa will be home soon,

they said they would. 

My heart beats loudly in my head,

then I can’t hear it at all.

I wake up and see light out the window.

I see Annie on the stairs and get worried.

Burke will be in so much trouble if Mama and Papa find out he lost me,

they always say to him, ‘Take care of your sister, please’

I probably came down

after he yelled at me about eating one of his pineapples,

then fell asleep, and had that really bad nightmare.

I reach down to pick up Annie, 

but she slips through my hand.

I try again, and the door upstairs opens.

It’s Papa.

I run up to him, but he walks past me,

to me.

I’m standing on the stairs,

but also on the floor, with my face still smushed and my PJs still off.

I put my hand on my chest as Papa screams, cries, and carries me up the stairs.

I try to find my heart, but I can’t.

There’s nothing there.

I sit in the corner as police people come in.

I try to grab them, say something, but they can’t hear me.

I try to go upstairs, but fall right through them, as the other policeman brings out a piece of paper.

The two are laughing, but not real laughing. 

It’s more like a good movie they’ve already seen the end of.

At this time we have your daughter in our possession.

I skip some of it because there’s a lot of words.

I will call you between 8 and 10.

Well, that’s stupid.

I’m right here.

Police stop coming,

and Mama and Papa stop coming,

and Burke only comes to stare at the wall.

But sometimes he brings newspapers and stares at those instead.

They’re about me.

Colorado Murder Mystery Lingers as Police Press On—

I guess they still don’t know who did it.

Parents Deny Role in Beauty Queen’s Slaying—

I heard Mama screaming that Linda did it.

But Linda had Christmas off, and she was always nice to me.

Child Beauty Pageants Foster Sexual Abuse—

I don’t know what that one means.

I know there’s lots of people looking at the girls at pageants,

and lots of them, the dads, I guess, said how pretty I looked.

Some even asked for my picture, which Mama gave them.

I scream when Burke stops coming,

but no one can hear me.

I can’t even turn on the light.

I cry and scream more,

for so long that I look at the window and see the green grass and blue sky.

Christmas is over, and I still can’t play with Annie.

Someone opens the basement door.

It’s a lady, and I think it’s Mama.

But she doesn’t click-clack down the stairs like Mama,

and she has blonde hair like me,

But hers is longer and in a really cool braid.

As she floats down the stairs, Papa appears behind her.

He looks past her, and me, sighs his big tired sigh, and shuts the door.

She smiles, in the dark,

and my eyes go wide.

She can see me.

She can see me!

She walks to me and kneels down, she’s really pretty.

Not fake pretty, 

real pretty, 

her smile reaches every part of her face, 

and there are pinched corners in her eyes, and her hair, up close, has bits of gray.

She says she’s sorry for taking so long

and asks if I want to go.

I look at the stairs and start to cry,

but she pulls me close and gives me a big hug.

She smells like crumbly flowers and gingerbread cookies.

She then stands, walks over to Annie, and picks her up.

‘The rules for me are different,’ she says.

I take my dolls and lock my arms around her so she doesn’t fall again. 

We start to walk up the stairs, but I stop and pull away.

‘Wait, 

what will happen?’

Her eyes turn sad.

‘Will I see Mama and Papa and-’

She kneels down and hugs me.

‘Only if they loved you in death

just as much as you loved them in life.’

Alani McDeavitt 27’

The case of JonBenét was tragic, everyone knows this. What I always wanted for this little girl was that she found some peace after she died. Though at the same time, we do not know what happened, and I tried to present all possible theories. Though in the end, we may never know.